Hey you! Wanna learn to knit?

Ok, I've been working on some little projects lately, and invariably, whenever I post pictures, someone always says "I want to learn how to do that" and asks me where to start. So I will tell you.

BE WARNED! This will require acquiring stuff. I suggest asking other knitters, your grandma (who probably didn't knit but her mother did and her stuff should be around here somewhere...), thrift shops, freecycle or Craigslist. DO NOT GO INTO A FULLY STOCKED YARN STORE UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO!!! I'm serious, guys. Yarn stores are like crack dealers. This is why you can get so much stuff from other/former knitters.

Ok, the stuff list:  

1. A skein of worsted weight wool yarn. The label should have a little numbered icon on it that looks like a skein of yarn. The number you want is 3. You notice that I specified wool. Unless you are really actually allergic to wool, use it. Wool is lovely and squishy and springy and behaves itself. If you need to buy cheap, swing by JoAnns and get some Paton's Merino or Lion Brand Fisherman's wool. And use your coupon, silly!
2. A size 8 circular knitting needle, 16" long, and a set of size 8 double-pointed needles. Size 8 is great for worsted weight, and you can knit back and forth on a circular needle, too. It's not just for going in circles.  
3. Stitch markers of some sort. A stitch marker is any ring-shaped object that you can slip onto your needle easily, and transfer from one needle to the other when you get to it. So, plastic ring stitch markers, actual rings, tiny rubber bands, closed hook-clasp or loop earrings....whatever.  
4. Stitch 'n Bitch by Debbie Stoller. Yay books! This is my favorite beginner book. But don't get too terribly excited, this isn't going to be the one that will teach you how to be A KNITTER. This is just your "oh crap, I think I messed up" reference book.  
5. The Sweater Workshop by Jacqueline Fee. Yes, it is old. Yes, it is outdated. Yes, it's a bit difficult to find. You want to learn to knit? This is the book to teach you badass no-fear knitting.

Ok, so you have your stuff.
Open The Sweater Workshop, and DO THE SAMPLER. That's it. That's all there is to it. If you run across something that stumps you, look it up in Stitch 'n Bitch. If that doesn't help, go hit up an online knitting video library like KnittingHelp.com. When you emerge from your sampler-knitting adventure, you will be able to confidently tackle any knitting obstacle! Double-pointed needles? Child's play! Ribbing? What kind do you want? Increasing and decreasing? Paaah! Can do it with my eyes closed! You'll be a knitting superstar, and can jump right in to hats, socks, mittens, sweaters...all without ever having once touched a freaking scarf or dishcloth.

So there you are. You're welcome. And stay out of yarn stores.